E-nuf is E-nuf

No, I didn't spell that wrong. That is the name of the new nail polish I'm wearing.  We will get back to that in a minute...

I started writing again with the intention of being completely open and honest about my struggles and lessons and all the new things I'm learning. As it turns out, it's not nearly as easy to actually do it as I imagined. If you are a close friend of mine, you likely know everything about me. But, if you are just an acquaintance, I'm very good at pretending like everything is just fine and I have it all together. I don't mind talking about my kids and our struggles with them. It's so comforting knowing there is army praying with us for them. But when it comes to me, oh how I hate to be vulnerable. I hate to have to rely on other people for help. I hate to be useless. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate not being able to help myself. I hate being a burden. 

At this moment I'm sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to see her for a pre-op appointment. I'll be having my left ovary removed in the morning. Not a big deal. I'm cool with the surgery. I'm actually looking forward to feeling better and not being in pain all the time. My issues come from the fact that I will be pretty useless for the next week. Next week is a really big deal around here. Monday is HGs big appointment with the immunologist. This is the appointment we've been waiting for since December. I can't be there. I know Channing can and will handle it; but I want to be there. Tuesday, Whitt will have his tonsils and adenoids removed and then spend the night in the Children's hospital. I'm hoping and praying I'll be able to go, but realistically, probably not. I know that things will be fine and handled well without me. I do know that. I have the best friends and family in the world. I really do. They've already made plans to take care of me and all my people. But y'all, that's my job. I want to do my job. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm so thankful for all the people in my life. I'm so thankful that they understand and know me well enough to know that if asked, I won't let you do anything. By the time I woke up yesterday, everything had been handled and they just told me what would be happening. So, family, thank you. Thank you for putting up with me and dealing with the crazy emotions and drug induced panic attacks. I love y'all, and I'm sorry I don't say it enough. 

Now, about the nail polish. My bestie came to see me Sunday. She brought me new nail polish because she just knows me and knows that my nails are always painted. Lately I've been wearing a very dark color. She handed it to me and told to quit wearing to dark stuff. I needed a happy color. She was right. It's pink or red, depending on the lighting. I painted my nails, and for the first time in days, I smiled. And then I looked at the name... E-nuf is E-nuf. Yep. I have had enough. Enough of feeling sorry for myself. Enough of wondering why. Enough of this terrible attitude. I have an amazing family. I have a husband who adores me. I have friends that should qualify as family. I am blessed  beyond measure. Why do I always forget this? Why does it take me completely falling apart to remember that God has got this? I'm so glad I have my girls who don't hesitate to remind me. That's love, people. Friends who keep reeling you back in. 

So today, and in the morning, I'm going to keep looking at my nails, and continually be reminded that E-nuf is E-nuf. I would appreciate the prayers for a quick recovery, and messages that tell me to chill out will be welcome too! 

Friday Funny

No, Friday funny will not be a theme. I'm not funny. But this is, and it happened to me today, a Friday morning. Enjoy.

Blocked

I haven't had much to say lately. That's my only explanation for my absence. Honestly, I've been in kind of a funk lately. Being in a funk has led to my inability to write, or even really think clearly. It's actually pretty difficult to admit that. I might as well admit that this isolation has been a little more difficult than I had anticipated. However, I've had some bright spots in the last couple of days.

First, Hannah Grace looks amazing. Her eyes are clear and bright. The dark circles that have plagued her are almost gone. Her skin is clear and full of color. She added a little height and gained some weight. She looks healthy. She sounds healthy. She had the booster shot we were waiting on, and now we wait for February 24, the day we do the blood tests to see if the shot worked. I have every reason to believe that it will.

My Bible Study group started back this morning. Oh man have I missed those girls. I haven't really seen them since the first of December. Sitting and visiting and praying was exactly the lift my spirit needed. I really think the best medicine in the world is quality time with close friends. I hope they always know how thankful I am for them.

Lastly, my Mama is coming to spend the weekend with me. Sometimes a girl just needs her Mama. I hope my girls always need/want me this way. Being an adult and a parent has given a completely different perspective of my own parents, and a deep respect for them. I can't even begin to explain the depth of the relationships I have with each of them. I am continually thankful for their presence in my life, and I know that I am so very blessed to have the relationships that we do.

Hopefully getting back to some of my normal activities will get my mind going again. I'm starting a couple of new books, and so far I'm sticking to my Bible reading plan. I really like the one I picked out. My next goal is to get back to running. I need the weather to cooperate a little bit more before I take that on.

I see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am trying to be patient as we make our way towards it.

Warriors

Know that saying "It takes a village."? Turns out, I need an army.


Not long ago (October to be exact), a friend called me a warrior. I thought she had lost her mind. 

It was a Wednesday morning, Bible Study day. The day of the week that gets me through all the others. I need to give you a little description/background about our group. We've been together for three years now. This small group of women is fiercely devoted to one another. Some days we don't even make it to our study. Some days we only pray. We've been through a LOT together. We are each other's strength. The words uttered in this room, the prayers prayed are closely guarded by us all. I will say that every prayer begins with a thanks to God for each other. Wednesday mornings are my refuge. 

So anyway, it's Wednesday, and I'm coming off of a bad week. Hannah Grace's test results had come back, and all I knew was that I had to wait six more weeks to see a specialist. For me, that was eternity. I was on the edge of getting my answers, and now I has to sit and wait for six weeks. I don't remember what I prayed that morning, I just remember involving the ugly cry and not being able to catch my breath. Every woman in that room prayed for me and my family that day. They picked up the slack for me, that's just who they are. Our leader always closes out prayer time. FYI, she's one of my favorite people on this planet. In her prayer, she called me a warrior. I remember raising my head, tears streaming down my face, and thinking, "she has lost it, I'm not a warrior." 

I know warriors. A warrior is the mother who fought for her son when the doctors told her at 18 weeks he wouldn't live past delivery. A warrior is the mother who fought for the life of her twin boys while her body was trying to reject them. A warrior is the same mother who fought for the child she knew was out there in world waiting for her, she just had to find him. A warrior is my grandmother, who fought every single day of my father's childhood to make sure he kept breathing. Those people are warriors. Those women are God's magnificent soldiers. Those women put their children's lives in God's hands with no question. Those women fought fiercely for their children, trusting God the whole way, never knowing what the outcome would be. I know these women well, I know their struggles, but I didn't think I was anywhere close to being like them.

Robin's prayer sat with me for days. I was extremely shaken by it. Maybe there was something to this. Warriors are good fighters on their own, but when fighting together for one cause, they can be unstoppable. What better description could there be for Christian mothers? In a rare moment of clarity, it hit me. I am a warrior. I am God's warrior. Every single day I fight a new battle. Some days, I have my fellow warriors with me. The term "prayer warrior" has new meaning to me now. We fight every day in our homes. We fight for our children the moment we know they exist. We fight to win their hearts for Christ the moment they arrive. Somedays we have physical battle wounds ( black eyes from a head butt anyone?), but I would be willing to bet most of our scars are hidden. Before I acknowledged my warrior status, I hid my scars. I pretended the wounds didn't hurt. Now I have a whole army to share them with. Every mark has a story and a lesson. My fellow warriors get it. We know that we all fight different battles, but our war is the same. We fight for our King. Our battlegrounds may be kitchens and playgrounds, homework and chores, some of us will have to fight in hospitals and doctors offices; but we fight so our children can know their King. We fight for their hearts to love Him and trust Him they way we do so that when it's their turn to take on the fight, we will have trained them right. 

Yeah, we mess up; way more than we get it right. But, that is where having your other warriors close to you comes in handy. They take over when you can't. After all, WE ARE ALL FIGHTING THE SAME WAR. They brave carpool for you a few days. (We all know the danger there). They bring food when you're too exhausted to cook. They show up at your door and take your other kid and refuse to speak to you so you won't argue. It's a give and take. It is a constant fight. But we are fighting to expand a kingdom. We begin the fight in our own homes, we take it to schools and playgrounds and daycares.  We band together and fight wherever our families gather. It's our purpose, our job, our path as mothers. We fight for our husbands, we fight for our children, we fight for our families. We fight against a relentless enemy who seeks to tear our world apart. But we know our King has already won. So we fight with a ferocity that only those sure of the future can. I fight so my children will know the certainty of eternity. 

"Train up a child in the way that he should go, so that even when he is old, he does not depart from it." Proverb 22:6

In Between Thoughts..

I have made it out of the bed this morning. I've been in the bed, pretty ill since Friday. I hate being sick to point of not being able to function. Anyway, I'm better today. While I was away though, something crazy happened. The last post got somewhere around 750 page views in about 36 hours. WHAT?!?!?! That kind of freaks me out a little. Ok, a lot. I just put down thoughts that had been swirling in my head. I really hope I have more thoughts to sort out soon...

So, while I'm working out some more thoughts, I'd like to ask for your prayers for us Monday. Hannah Grace will finally be getting her booster shot Monday at 1pm! She knows about it, and she seems good. I just ask that you pray that this shot works. We will have to wait six weeks before testing can be done to know for sure. Also, Monday is going to be the coldest day in Mississippi in more than 3 years. I hate the cold, HATE it, and I've tried very hard to keep my girl inside, away from the crazy MS weather. We now must be out, traveling in it, all day Monday. I would really appreciate your prayers for travel mercies, but especially for HG's little body, that it would accept this booster, and that this would heal her immune system.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."

The Worst Cliche Ever

"God won't give you anything you can't handle."

I despise that statement. If you have said these words to me, I've probably smiled politely and just nodded my head. I've only ever addressed my real feelings for these words to Channing. Lets just say he wasn't expecting my response.

I know that most of the time this is used in conversation, it's used to be a comfort. A way to explain the unexplainable. But friends, it is not comforting.  That is the last thing that a person in the midst of a trial wants to hear. When you are struggling with helplessness, no sense of control, completely overcome by the winds of a particular storm, you DO NOT want to hear that you are just suppose to handle it. Maybe it doesn't come across to everyone the way it does me. Maybe some of you do find comfort in this statement. I don't. For me, when this is said, it's putting our God in box. Limiting His abilities, fitting your definition of Him into what you think will make you comfortable. Putting your own perceived strength above what He provides for you.

The most important lesson I've learned this year, is that I have no strength. I can not handle anything on my own. Every single moment of difficulty I was faced with this year, my first thought was "I can't do this." Then I came around to, "OK, I have to do this." So I tried. I did everything I knew to do. Guess what... My strength, my abilities, were not enough. I sure tried. I tried to hold everyone together. I tried to keep my sanity. I tried not to let everyone see how distraught I was. I'm a great actress. For about 8 months I had everyone fooled. It all came crashing down in September, when Channing got sick.

We were in the ER in Jackson. It was chaos. He was in more pain that anyone I've ever seen. I was alone. His family was in the waiting room, but I was with him in the back. I had to communicate with the doctors because he couldn't. There was nothing I could do but stand, watch, and answer questions. I have never felt more useless in my life. We were there for hours. Somewhere during this, my pastor called. He had heard where we were, and wanted to check on me. At the end of the conversation, he told me how proud he was of me for handling things the way I had. That I had done so well, and what a testament it was to everyone watching. When we hung up, I lost it. He had no clue. He had no idea that I wasn't handling things. I was dangling by a thread. I wasn't handling anything, and sure didn't want anyone to know it, but I felt so guilty that I let everyone believe this. I desperately wanted to call him back, to beg for some advice, but my pride wouldn't let me. I cleaned up my face, took a deep breath, and walked back in Channing's room, still telling myself I could handle it.

Fast forward about 10 days. Different ER, same scene. This time though, I've been pushed out of the room. I'm watching five different people work on my husband. I'm standing behind sliding glass doors. It's like a scene out of a movie. There was nothing I could do. It was quite literally taken out of my hands. I finally started praying. I don't even remember what the prayer was, I just remember it being a desperate plea to make it all stop. We made it through that day. Things were starting to change in my heart. I remember driving back to Greenwood to get the kids settled. I called a close friend, and cried and yelled most of the way home. I was angry, I was exhausted, I was confused, and I was hurting. I don't remember much about what she said to me. I just remember her saying she was praying for strength. God will get you through this.

Fast forward one more time, about 8 weeks now. Channing has recovered from gall bladder surgery and the shingles. Hannah Grace has recovered from the chicken pox. We've gone through extensive testing to find out why she's sick. We've now seen an immunology specialist because we know something is wrong with her immune system, we just don't know what. It could be minor, it could be major. She has stayed sick for about two solid months. I'm struggling with whether or not to take her out of school. I have finally found the end of my rope. I have nothing left to give. I've done every single thing I've been told to do for her for more than two years now. Nothing I've done has worked. I feel a helplessness and a fear I never thought possible. It's a Tuesday night, I'm alone in my living room. I was catching up on my Bible Study and reading through some verses some of the girls had sent to me. I started to cry. I was finally broken. I hit my knees, because I could no longer hold myself up, and I begged God to take control. I begged for forgiveness for resisting for so long. I finally gave it all over to Him. I finally laid it all at His feet. I finally acknowledged that I have no strength, only what He gives me each day.

I finally felt free. I finally felt peace. I finally understood what it meant to give God control. I thought I had believed it before. I'd heard testimony from so many others, but I'd never been tested like this before. So, if you told me that "God won't give you anything you can't handle", you were wrong. He had to give me something I couldn't handle. He had to make me trust Him. He had to make me completely helpless with no options left of my own. It's the only way I would learn. It was the only way I would grow and become closer to Him. We have to be stretched and molded, constantly taught new lessons. If we aren't, how are we ever to to recognize His greatness? We must always acknowledge how helpless we really are. Every gift we have, every ounce of strength we feel, it is all from Him.  The Lord answered my prayer in a mighty way that next morning. We got a diagnosis, a treatment plan, and a timeline for everything to take place. We have been supported and loved by friends and family. I haven't been as resistant to help as I was. I am thankful for the lessons, even though they were so difficult.

I'm finally ok with knowing I can not handle anything. I'm ok with letting God have everything. I know I'll still stumble. I know I will still need to be reminded. I hope you, my friends, will do that for me.

Reflections and Resolutions

2013 is over. I can't say I'm sad to see it go. This was probably the most difficult year of my life. It did go by extremely fast, but that didn't make it any easier. I feel like I earned adult status this year. I'm not sure how I feel about that either... 

There were definitely some high points. I traveled outside of the U.S. for the first time. It was amazing. I got a nephew this year! And, I'm going to get a new sister in 2014! I watched my brother find his dream job, and now I'm watching him excel at it. Construction started on our new store. I went on my first business trip with Channing. I was given a place to use my voice again. I made a new friend; the kind of friend that you feel like you've known your whole life. 

The most important high point though, is my relationship with God. I can say with absolute certainty that there would have been no change had the hard stuff not happened. So, while I'm not sad to say goodbye to 2013, I wouldn't change anything.  I learned more about grace this year than I ever thought possible. I learned what it means to be completely helpless and have nothing left to rely on but God's strength. I learned how to really pray. (I have a whole other post on that.) I learned that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to be vulnerable. I've learned how to be thankful for even the smallest moments. 

That brings me to my resolutions. I'm don't usually make them, but I did last year. I am ashamed to say, I did not meet a single one of them. So for this year, I've made the same resolutions again. I've decided to share them so that maybe my friends will hold my accountable. 

I want to read through the Bible this year. I started last year, and made to April, the week we all got the flu. I never caught up again. I've signed up for a reading plan to help. I really like the layout of the one I've chosen.  I'm hoping this will help me be more intentional with my quiet time too. 

I want to run a 5k this year. I started training last year, and then got hurt four days before my first race. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I was. I never got back to training because all the health issues started right after that. I just want to be healthier this year. I discovered last year that I actually like the running, so I'll start with that. 

2014 has the potential to be an amazing year for us. There is a lot happening that we are really looking forward to: the store opening, moving, C.J.'s wedding. It is going to be busy. I pray that I take all the lessons I've learned this year, and use them to make this the best year we've had.  My Bible app sent a challenge to pick out a verse for the year. One I could go back to continually and make it my theme. I've decide to use two verses from Psalm 27 that a good friend sent to me back in the fall. It gave me great comfort and hope then, and I want to keep it close for this year too.

Psalm 27:13-14 "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"