I started writing again with the intention of being completely open and honest about my struggles and lessons and all the new things I'm learning. As it turns out, it's not nearly as easy to actually do it as I imagined. If you are a close friend of mine, you likely know everything about me. But, if you are just an acquaintance, I'm very good at pretending like everything is just fine and I have it all together. I don't mind talking about my kids and our struggles with them. It's so comforting knowing there is army praying with us for them. But when it comes to me, oh how I hate to be vulnerable. I hate to have to rely on other people for help. I hate to be useless. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate not being able to help myself. I hate being a burden.
At this moment I'm sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to see her for a pre-op appointment. I'll be having my left ovary removed in the morning. Not a big deal. I'm cool with the surgery. I'm actually looking forward to feeling better and not being in pain all the time. My issues come from the fact that I will be pretty useless for the next week. Next week is a really big deal around here. Monday is HGs big appointment with the immunologist. This is the appointment we've been waiting for since December. I can't be there. I know Channing can and will handle it; but I want to be there. Tuesday, Whitt will have his tonsils and adenoids removed and then spend the night in the Children's hospital. I'm hoping and praying I'll be able to go, but realistically, probably not. I know that things will be fine and handled well without me. I do know that. I have the best friends and family in the world. I really do. They've already made plans to take care of me and all my people. But y'all, that's my job. I want to do my job. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm so thankful for all the people in my life. I'm so thankful that they understand and know me well enough to know that if asked, I won't let you do anything. By the time I woke up yesterday, everything had been handled and they just told me what would be happening. So, family, thank you. Thank you for putting up with me and dealing with the crazy emotions and drug induced panic attacks. I love y'all, and I'm sorry I don't say it enough.
Now, about the nail polish. My bestie came to see me Sunday. She brought me new nail polish because she just knows me and knows that my nails are always painted. Lately I've been wearing a very dark color. She handed it to me and told to quit wearing to dark stuff. I needed a happy color. She was right. It's pink or red, depending on the lighting. I painted my nails, and for the first time in days, I smiled. And then I looked at the name... E-nuf is E-nuf. Yep. I have had enough. Enough of feeling sorry for myself. Enough of wondering why. Enough of this terrible attitude. I have an amazing family. I have a husband who adores me. I have friends that should qualify as family. I am blessed beyond measure. Why do I always forget this? Why does it take me completely falling apart to remember that God has got this? I'm so glad I have my girls who don't hesitate to remind me. That's love, people. Friends who keep reeling you back in.
So today, and in the morning, I'm going to keep looking at my nails, and continually be reminded that E-nuf is E-nuf. I would appreciate the prayers for a quick recovery, and messages that tell me to chill out will be welcome too!
No comments:
Post a Comment